The fact of bullying has been revealed: the procedure for legal action for a parent

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Every third child in Russia experiences bullying at school. At the same time, only every tenth parent is aware of the problem. Adults, including teachers and school principals, may not notice the problem or simply turn a blind eye to it. As a result, classmates humiliate the child every day and play football with his briefcase, and this child can then commit suicide or come to school with a gun. Together with psychologist Anastasia Tutik, we are looking into why children are silent about problems and how to help them.

How is bullying different from regular conflict?

Children sometimes quarrel. They may push each other, yell at each other, and even fight - and that's okay. If today Petya and Misha called each other names, and tomorrow they play football together, this is not bullying, but a conflict. It is impossible to completely avoid conflicts between children. And there’s no need: conflicts teach them to cope with aggression, defend their rights and make peace.

Bullying is aggressive behavior that is repeated over and over again. At the same time, the children’s strengths are not equal, that is, some act as aggressors and bully others as victims. And these roles remain unchanged. Bullying does not teach anything good, it only harms.

Characteristics of bullying:

• emotional or physical abuse. This could include insults, jokes, gossip, as well as fights and skirmishes;
• bullying occurs constantly and is directed at the same person;
• the class either supports the aggressor and also poisons the victim, or pretends that nothing is happening.

Many adults believe that “that’s just the way kids are these days” or reduce bullying to the problems of individual children. For example, they believe that “Sasha is beaten at home by his drunkard father, so he takes it out on a classmate” or “It’s not surprising that everyone laughs at Ksyusha, she stutters and can’t stand up for herself.” But bullying is always a systemic mistake. When a child is bullied at school, there is not only an aggressor and a victim, but also bystanders. Classmates and teachers support the conflict in one way or another, even if they don’t get involved in it and believe that everything that happens doesn’t concern them.

Parents who believe that the problem is exaggerated should imagine the following situation:

• An adult comes to work, but no one greets him. Colleagues turn away and laugh behind his back. When a person sits down at his desk, it turns out that the wire from his monitor is cut. The man asks his colleagues what happened, did they see who did it, but everyone is silent and pretends not to hear anything. He goes to the boss to warn him about the problem, but the boss only shouts because the subordinate came to him with some nonsense and cannot figure out the situation himself.
• When a person brings an office equipment specialist to the office, it turns out that the wire is intact. The master looks at him like he’s a fool, and his colleagues choke with laughter. The person blushes, gets nervous and goes to the toilet to calm down. And when he returns, he sees that the things from his bag are scattered along the corridor.
• He tries to complain to friends and the labor inspectorate, and in response he receives: “You need to be able to get along with colleagues” or “This will pass, just be patient.”

At the same time, an adult has experience and competence - he knows where to turn for help and, in the end, can simply quit. But a child who is bullied every day at school cannot do anything about it.

Svetlana, 35 years old:

— Our class was the strongest in terms of academic performance, but at the same time the most uncontrollable. Me and two other guys were constantly bullied for any reason. My family is not rich, I wore my older sisters’ clothes, and my classmates mocked me for this, saying: “Maybe you can take a doormat, it will suit your skirt,” or “My socks are torn.” Do you want me to give it to you? You will pass it on to your children as an inheritance.” The instigator of the bullying was a boy named Dima, and everyone else repeated after him. I remember how he came up to me in physical education and said: “If you fail the class and do the relay poorly, I will kill you.”

I was scared. I told my parents about this, but they advised me to be smarter, laugh it off, and said that the ability to laugh at oneself is a very important quality.

Teachers also ignored the problem. One day, my classmates poured a bucket of water on me. I approached the teacher and asked to go home to change clothes. The teacher replied: “Oh, don’t make things up, the clothes will dry out anyway.” So I sat through all the lessons wet. It was cold and disgusting, and my classmates were laughing.

In high school, I tried to fight back - I screamed and swore, but because of this, the bullying became stronger. Then I applied to another school, but did not do well in English. The director of this school contacted my parents and said that they were ready to accept me if I improved my English with a tutor. My parents decided that I couldn’t cope, and they left me at my old school.

One day I plucked up courage and asked Dima why he constantly mocks me. He said: “There are simply people who are disgusting in themselves, and you are one of them.”

After ninth grade, many of the guys from Dima’s retinue went to college, he stopped bullying me and other classmates. When I think back to my school days, I shake, bullying had a huge impact on me. Now, when I encounter aggression, I fall into a stupor and feel like a defenseless schoolgirl, and not an adult woman.

Anyone can become a victim of school bullying, just like anyone can be an aggressor. Parents may think that their child has good and friendly classmates, but in reality they spit after the child or take his money. The prestige of the school will not protect the child either - bullying occurs both in private schools and in elite lyceums. This is why it is so important to recognize the signs of bullying.

“I wanted to kill”

Maxim from Yuzhnouralsk recalls how a couple of years ago he became the object of ridicule from his former friend and desk neighbor. After breaking his leg, the boy, previously an athlete and school champion, became downright weak in physical education classes. A friend dubbed him a weakling and got into the habit of pushing him and slapping him, taking advantage of the fact that Maxim would not catch up.

“It was unbearable,” the eleventh-grader now recalls, “I wanted to kill them, these brutes, Dimon and his minions. The only thing that helped me was fight club. As soon as my leg returned to normal, I signed up for the wrestling section. Dimon flew down the stairs from my blow, like a migratory bird. This (from the first time he fought back) ended all the bullying.”

According to Maxim, Dmitry was an uncontrollable child. He did not obey either the teachers or the director. Insolent from impunity, he was rude to them and laughed in their faces. The boy quickly realized that the Education Law was on his side. In order to expel a child from school, you need to make a lot, a lot of effort. In particular, no collective letters from parents and classmates will help: compulsory education in Russia. Only a student over 15 years of age who has completed 9 grades, or a serious offender, can be expelled. Some schools have classes for children with deviant behavior, but not all.

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What to pay attention to

When a child is bullied at school, he becomes very nervous. And if he doesn’t tell his parents anything, this tension will accumulate and affect his behavior and mood. For example, a quiet and calm child may begin to snap and be rude. Young children are characterized by psychosomatic manifestations - vomiting, headache.

Here are a few more signs to look out for. A child is most likely to be bullied at school if he:

• doesn't want to go to school;
• begins to study worse;
• becomes withdrawn, taciturn;
• sleeps poorly - cannot fall asleep or has nightmares;
• comes home with torn or dirty clothes;
• begins to undereat or overeat;
• cannot or does not want to explain where the bruises or cuts appeared on his body;
• spends almost all his time at home, is not friends with anyone.

These signs do not always indicate that a child is being bullied at school. Sometimes this happens during adolescence or during the period of adaptation to a new class. Whatever the reason behind it, any changes in the child’s behavior are a signal that something is going wrong.

Why are children silent?

Children who are bullied at school rarely ask for help. This is not always connected with upbringing and family relationships, but this option cannot be ruled out. For example, if a dad teaches a boy that a real man doesn't cry or complain, the child will keep everything to himself. And if the mother comes home from work irritated, the child will not tell her about the problem, so as not to anger her even more.

A child's silence may depend on age. For example, teenagers prefer to solve problems themselves, while younger children are often afraid of upsetting their parents.

There are other options. Perhaps the child is silent because:

• intimidated - the offender said that if the child complains to someone, he will ruin his whole life;
• doesn’t want to be a snitch - thinks it’s bad to complain;
• thinks that if his parents interfere, he will be bullied even more;
• is embarrassed to admit that he cannot cope on his own;
• blames himself - believes that the reason is that there is something wrong with him and he deserves it;
• is afraid to tell his parents why exactly he is being bullied - for example, if classmates joke about the girl supposedly having many sexual partners;
• succumbs to the authority of an adult - when a child is offended by a teacher, but the teacher believes that the adult is always right. A teacher can be both an aggressor and an instigator of conflict among children - for example, if he compares students with each other, makes comments, labels or singles out favorites.

A child may remain silent about bullying for a variety of reasons, which is why it is important to pay attention to any changes in his behavior.

Kostya, 28 years old:

“I had a good family, my parents rarely fought and always took care of me.
Mom knitted to order, dad worked at a factory. In junior high, I had braces and was generally clumsy, so I was teased, but my parents supported me. I also had friends in the yard, so I wasn’t too worried.

When I was 10 years old, my father went somewhere and never returned. He is still considered missing. Mom was not herself, I felt lost and withdrawn. All the teachers knew what had happened, but they didn’t tell anyone in the class; gossip started that our father left us and went to his mistress.

They stopped teasing me with snaggletooth, but began to harass me: they took away my bag, beat me if I resisted, insulted me and called me a whiner. Sometimes there were friends from the yard next to these offenders, but they just watched silently. And then they also began to mock me.

The teachers knew about it, but ignored it. The school psychologist asked how I was doing, if anyone was hurting me, but I didn’t say anything, and he simply stopped calling me to his place.

I didn’t go out for walks, I started to stutter, I could cry in class in the 9th grade - not sob, but shed a tear when the teacher scolded me for writing a test poorly. I became a poor student, and the teachers only added fuel to the fire: they said in front of everyone that I had completely gotten away with it and that I had no future. My father’s disappearance really hit my mother, and she also worked two jobs, so she had no time for my problems at school.

I grew up an outcast and was very angry at everyone. I've never been to a high school reunion and I continue to hate my teachers and classmates.

School will end, but the consequences of bullying will not go away. If a child is not helped to cope with the problem in time, he will grow up unsure of himself, will suffer from depression or auto-aggressive behavior - he will take out aggression on himself.

How to talk to your child

If a parent suspects that a child is being bullied, the first thing to do is talk to him about it, and not run to school and start a scandal. You cannot ask a child directly, put pressure on him or arrange interrogations - this will make him close down even more.

When talking about bullying, it is important to consider the child's age. If he is in elementary school, you can find out everything through a game, for example, through a fairy tale with an agreement. The name of the main character should be consonant with the name of the child, so that it is easier for him to associate himself with him. For example, the child’s name is Vasya, and the character in the fairy tale is Vanya. The story should sound something like this:

• On a warm autumn morning, the boy Vanya goes to school, and thinks that... On the way to the classroom, Vanya meets classmate Dima, and the boys... When Vanya was called to the blackboard in math class, the teacher told him that... At recess, Vanya...

The child himself must fill in all the gaps. If he says that he doesn’t know what happened next and refuses to finish speaking, this is a defensive reaction. Then the parent needs to say: “Let’s make it up, this is a fairy tale. What would you dream up?” It is important to show the child that this is a game so that he relaxes. Through supposedly invented answers, the child will tell the parent about what worries him.

With a high school student, a different approach is needed. It is important to establish a safe zone, establish emotional contact and only then ask carefully. Even if the child does not want to talk about the problem, parents need to say that it is important for them and that the child is not to blame for anything. For example, say: “It seems to me that something is happening to you, and I’m worried. I know for sure that the reason is not you. If something goes wrong, you don't have to deal with it yourself. It’s normal to ask for help; adults should deal with difficult situations.”

The child does not need his parents to promise to “destroy” the offender, the school and everyone around him. Containing emotions can be difficult, but a child needs a calm adult, next to whom he feels safe, knows that he is understood and that his parents are on his side. You should not immediately take the problem into your own hands; you need to ask the child what he would like to do - this will give him a feeling of control over the situation.

There is no magic phrase that will help you instantly get your child talking - it will take time to establish emotional contact with your child. You need to pay attention to your children constantly, and not pester them with questions five minutes before leaving the house. The whole family needs to get together more often, ask for the child’s opinion on various issues and not try to control his every step.

But all these methods are more suitable for prevention: so that the problem does not start to grow and the child knows that he can always turn to his parents. If everything is obvious and the child regularly comes home with bruises, you should not wait until he wants to open up to his parents - it is better to immediately contact a psychologist.

How to respond to insults, how to morally humiliate a person with smart words on the Internet and in life

• Are you still here? Hasn't your mother brought any milk yet?
• You are not God's creation, but God's creature.
• I won’t even be offended; I don’t hit the mentally retarded.
• I didn't know that plants can think.
• Don't open your mouth at me, I'm not a dentist.
• Not witty, your stupidity is off the charts.
• He came, he saw and did not get up.
• When does your brain return from vacation?
• Don't look at me, maybe it's contagious.
• I don’t speak the language of stupid people, I don’t know how to explain it to you.

How not to react

You cannot look for the cause of bullying in a child, think that he behaved somehow wrong, since he is being bullied.

Parents want to raise their child to be independent, independent and courageous. But since a child is being bullied, it means he cannot fight back on his own and needs help. No child wants to be a victim, and if he could solve the problem alone, he would.

Who is involved in school bullying?

Any bullying involves three actors: the victim, the aggressor and the support group. At the same time, either an individual or a group of people can act as an aggressor.

Anyone can become a victim: a person singled out by a teacher from a negative or positive side, a loner, an unpopular child, etc. Bullying at school is entirely the problem of the aggressor, that is, a child or group of children with aggressive behavior caused by various reasons.

What to do next

To begin with, you can try to talk to the parents of the offender. If they do not take the problem seriously and believe that their child is an angel, it is worth enlisting the support of the school and talking to the class teacher. This must be done politely and calmly, because the main goal is to solve the child’s problem, and not to throw out your anger. In a conversation with the teacher, it is important to discuss the strategy: specific steps and deadlines.

If conversations with the teacher lead nowhere, you can create a conciliation commission. In this case, parents, school administration, mediators and psychologists gather to resolve the conflict. Students themselves can also join the committee. The decision made at the meeting will become binding on the school premises.

The teacher can also be the offender, and then it is more difficult to solve the problem. First you need to understand whether he is really behaving unprofessionally or whether the child is overreacting to comments. It’s worth talking to your classmates’ parents to find out how they see the situation. If there is a problem, contact the school principal; if this does not work, contact the local education department and administration.

Sometimes parents believe that it is easier to transfer their child to another school, because publicity and hype can only intensify the bullying. It is not always so. Bullying exists because of impunity. Usually the problem is resolved as soon as the offender is held accountable. However, if the school cannot help and the bullying continues, the most important thing is to keep the child safe. You can transfer him to another school and continue to solve the problem.

Nastya, 19 years old:

“In elementary school, I had a very stern teacher, she would yell at us for no reason, say something rude, hit us with a ruler or throw chalk at someone.
She liked to add the word “pan” to boys’ surnames. One day she called a boy with the surname Nosov to the board and asked: “Well, Mr. Nosov, what will you tell us today?” The class laughed, and the boy got the nickname “diarrhea” for a long time. The teacher called the girls “secret girls,” I didn’t understand what that meant, so I asked my parents. My parents were shocked and began asking questions about what was happening in our class. After that, they decided to talk to the teacher, but the director was on her side and did not see any problem. Then my parents said that if the teacher starts screaming or hitting someone with a ruler, I should record all this on my phone. I did so.

With the records, the parents immediately went to the city administration - they knew that it was pointless to expect help from the director. The question arose about dismissing the teacher, but suddenly half the class was against it. Many parents believed that strictness is not a bad thing, and that the teacher is a strong teacher who will provide us with a good future, so we can be patient.

The teacher was eventually fired, but things only got worse. If earlier my classmates and I had a common enemy - the strict class teacher, now I and my family have become an outcast. Parents were ignored at meetings and removed from the general chat. They constantly made fun of me: they said that the new class teacher gave me A's only because she was afraid that I would film her too. The children were probably simply repeating what they heard at home from their parents.

Our city is small, and there was no point in transferring to another school. Therefore, our whole family moved to another city.

Some parents who have experienced bullying of children at school advise immediately withdrawing their child from the educational institution. They believe that it is pointless to fight bullying - since it exists, it means that teachers and administration have failed to build the right relationships between students. This means the problem will arise again. Therefore, you need to look not just for a new school, but also for a good class teacher. Ideally, he is able to establish and control the rules of life in the classroom and take responsibility. It is almost impossible to determine this right away. You can focus on the teacher’s desire to solve the problem - if it is no less than that of the parents, then there is a chance that the situation will not repeat itself.

Poisons alone, but he seems omnipotent

Chelyabinsk psychologist Victoria Nagornaya is sure: it almost never happens that the whole world is against you, as it seems to the victim herself. Well, maybe in the movie “Scarecrow”. The more modest or weaker ones are bullied, as a rule, by one or two people or a group of friends. And none of his classmates stand up, so the child thinks that the whole world is against him. This is the worst thing: children are afraid to go against a group of usurpers, as a rule, from dysfunctional families or with difficult characters. They poison the lives of those who are different: in appearance, have a physical defect, stutter, and so on. The “flock” does not give life to one or two classmates, disrupts classes, and is rude to teachers.

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“The attention of teachers is very important here,” says the psychologist. “It is in the hands of the teacher that the opportunity to reconcile children is in their hands, to make them think together and not against each other.” I studied the work of one teacher from St. Petersburg, who introduced such joint games for children, so occupied their leisure time that everyone in this class forgot about bullying. They went to theaters and cinema together, sat at desks based on their interests, but the offender was forced to admit that the victim was somehow better than him, and involuntarily began to respect this child. For some reason, the work of class teachers in this direction is usually discounted. I think this is fundamentally wrong.”