Psychologist's advice: a child steals and lies

If there is a little liar and thief in your house, then, of course, there is nothing good about it.
When a child takes money, other people’s things and deceives without asking, urgent action must be taken, otherwise such behavior will turn into very unpleasant character traits and ruin his life. The first and completely natural reaction of parents is punishment. Scolding, putting in a corner, depriving a child of treats or entertainment, “you won’t go anywhere, not even to school” are formidable measures, but they do not always bring the desired results. Psychologists advise first talking with the child, thoroughly understanding the reasons for the offense, and only then making a decision.

What you should never do

Correct behavior tactics are the key to successful dialogue with a child. A thoughtless punishment can once and for all deprive you of the authority and trust of your son or daughter.

Do not arrange a public debriefing of the flight, especially if the child committed theft for the first time.
Do not label, do not call the child a criminal, a thief, do not paint gloomy pictures of the prison future.
Don’t say phrases like “We didn’t raise you for this,” “There are no thieves in our family,” “I didn’t expect this from you.”
Do not compare your child with other children, famous criminals, negative characters, do not give examples from family history, for example, “You are just like your grandfather, who served 25 years.”
Do not pester with constant reproaches and reminders of the offense committed.
Do not discuss the situation with strangers and family members in the presence of the child, savoring the details and thereby humiliating him.
Don't bring up past misdeeds while scolding them for what just happened.

No matter how impudently a child behaves, he is still afraid and expects punishment, so the listed negative statements will be received with hostility. It will be like in the famous joke - “I behave the way you called me, what don’t you like?” If you choose the right tactics, he will listen, and then you will have a conversation from which he will draw conclusions.

Plan

If your child steals from a store or another person, plan how you will return the item or pay for it. Make sure your child is involved in the process. In addition to the consequences that the other party outlines, add your own consequences that apply to theft (for example, doing housework for little pay until the child earns the value of the item he stole and then donates the money earned to charity) so that your the child understood how seriously you took this situation.

Why does a child lie and take someone else's property?

The reasons can be very diverse, and many are associated with improper parental behavior.

You frivolously promised to buy something, but never did it. By appropriating someone else's thing, the child will convince himself that he is not to blame; he was pushed into stealing by his parents, who did not keep their word. What else was left to do?!
If a child grows up in a dysfunctional family, then theft and deception may be a defensive reaction to the negative atmosphere in the home and the indifference of parents. Typically, such children choose a more successful victim among their peers. In this situation, professional help from a psychologist is needed.
Inconsistency and lack of coordination among adult relatives. For example, mom forbids eating ice cream, and grandfather is ready to buy kilos of it, but asks mom not to tell. Dad says that lying and stealing are not good, but in front of the child he lies to the boss that he is sick, and goes fishing, and brings a calculator from work. It turns out that the rules can still be broken?! When committing theft or deception, a child already has an excuse ready: grandfather and father do this too, which means everything is possible. But parental authority accompanies us all our lives!
Often, a child is pushed to lie and steal by total control on the part of adults, then this is a kind of defense, a distorted manifestation of independence. The other side of the coin is the indifference of parents, and in this way children try to attract their attention.
Another common reason is envy. It seems that the child has everything, but he wants to have things that belong to another child. Remember how your neighbor's grass is always greener? And the income of all families is different.

Each situation is unique, and the list of possible reasons can be endless, the more important it is to find out what exactly triggered your child. You can change unwanted behavior only by eradicating its cause.

Stealing from teenagers

As a child enters adolescence, the reasons why they might steal become more varied and complex. Many teenagers shoplift in front of their friends to impress them, since in most cases the riskiest behavior is the most impressive among their peers. Some teenagers use stealing as a way to assert their independence in a world where adults rule. Teens may also steal out of boredom or if they are looking for a thrill. They may feel that stealing, like all other types of bad behavior, is the only way to get their parents' attention. They may also steal to get revenge on someone who has harmed them or treated them unfairly. And, of course, teenagers may steal for practical reasons, for example, if they want something they cannot afford.

What to do?

If you catch a child in the act of a crime and are 100% sure of his guilt, then psychologists recommend, firstly, to immediately stop the theft, secondly, to talk calmly with the child, precisely calmly - without screaming or accusations, and, secondly, third, punish.

Talk

The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere so that no one disturbs you. Speak calmly and evenly. Be sure to say that you are very ashamed and it is difficult for you to understand and accept that this could happen in your family. Find out why he took the money or thing, what motivated him. The next step is to explain what money is, how hard it is, and what it is used for. In the future, the child, if he is old enough, can be involved in budget planning so that he better understands how much money is spent on rent, how much on groceries, how much on entertainment, etc.

If he has committed theft or deception for the first time, explain to your child that doing so is not good, that the truth always comes out, here you can give examples from the cartoon or your experience. Tell them that stealing and deceiving is not the best solution; a simple polite request can achieve more.

Punishment

The most effective measure, according to psychologists, is to force the child to completely compensate for the damage done on his own. An important condition: he must earn money himself, feel its value. You can offer a teenager a part-time job, for example, handing out leaflets, delivering mail, selling newspapers, etc. For a younger child, the following option is suitable: you will pay him small amounts for household chores: cleaning, washing dishes, working in the dacha. This way he will have his own money, from which he will have to compensate for the damage. If a child has committed an offense, for example, stealing a toy from a friend, then, in addition to the stolen property, he must give the victim an item that is of great value to him.

Your task is to show the child that he has committed a serious offense, that the chosen punishment is fair, that you understand that he made a mistake and did not love him less, but at the same time are ready to take the most drastic measures.

Not caught, not a thief

In cases where the child’s guilt has not been proven, it is better to remain silent. Postpone the conversation until you are absolutely sure. An unfair accusation traumatizes the child's psyche.

Of course, such serious offenses cannot be completely justified. A child of 4-5 years old already understands perfectly well that by deceiving and appropriating other people’s things, he is doing wrong and committing a prohibited action. The punishment must be correct and proportionate. If these measures do not help, do not hesitate to contact a child psychologist, he will definitely find a way out of this situation.

Publication date: 10/14/2017. Last modified: 06/04/2018.

Reasons for child theft

Why children steal money from their parents - the science of psychology will answer this question. There are actually a lot of reasons. And all of them are associated with the unstable child’s psyche, the characteristics of family upbringing, and the personal development of the child. And the options for solving the problem depend on what to do in cases where:

the child has just started stealing - he did it for the first time;
does this systematically - despite punishment.

Reasons for child theft:

The child is driven by the desire to get what he wants at any cost. Here, of course, you need to think very seriously: are these miscalculations of your upbringing or the wishes of the child that still need to be taken into account? If one of the parents cannot understand this and frivolously believes that wanting does not mean now and immediately, and in general the teenager has no right to allow himself to do this, think before cruelly punishing him, because this happened for the first time! Imagine yourself in the place of a child. Let's say you want something very passionately. You immediately focus all your energy on this, rush to earn money to satisfy your need or desire, and look for ways to achieve your goal. Now - a child. You immediately refused him, maybe even tried to explain the reason and forgot about it. And the desire flares up with renewed vigor, and he goes to steal. In this case, think, maybe it’s worth satisfying such desires of children? Of course, without constantly indulging them in this. Or you need to talk to them, explaining why not all desires can be fulfilled, giving examples from life. But most importantly, remember: you are an example for him. If a child sees that you satisfy your desires immediately (wanted - acquired), he is unlikely to listen to you and your arguments. And since he does not have the resources of an adult (money, other opportunities), he, unable to restrain his emotions, resorted to theft. If we are talking about a repeated case of theft, then this already concerns education.
If a child steals, he may be driven by a desire to attract attention, for example, to fill an emotional void - which is typical for children under the age of 10. Here the little person knows very well that this is bad and certainly punishable, but he does this act because in this way he can draw the attention of adults to himself. Such behavior should tell you that the child lacks the emotional warmth of his parents, care, and conversations with you. Look at yourself: are you paying enough attention to your children?
The reason for theft is, of course, the lack of proper education. This sometimes happens unintentionally and goes unnoticed by some parents. The child once took his aunt’s bag to play, although she asked not to touch it - no one stopped him. Another time he gets into his uncle’s car without asking. For the third time, the girl, without asking anyone, takes her mother’s jewelry. And then the child gets used to the fact that it is possible to take other people’s things - they are not punished for this and there is nothing wrong with it. But that’s not possible. Everyone has personal belongings, and in order to use them, you must ask the owner.
Resentment towards an adult, resulting in a kind of revenge, can also become the cause of theft. This happens for various reasons. For example, it may be like this: you took something from a child without asking (perhaps he already understands that he also has personal belongings), and in revenge he steals something from you. Or you seriously offended him, and he doesn’t know what to do in response. It is clear that not everything is clear here either. And the reasons for this behavior are not entirely clear. But that is another story.
There are also thefts for fun, such as imitating the actions of friends or those in authority. Typically, such theft occurs in stores and supermarkets. In this case, you need to take care of the child’s environment, understand why he easily violates norms for the sake of the desire to be “in the pack.” We must teach him to say “no”, to act independently in any situation, under no circumstances being led by anyone other than his own values and norms.

Myths!

It is believed that children from disadvantaged, financially unprotected families steal more often. However, it is not. If parents or other close people in childhood were able to give the child clear moral guidelines, the likelihood that he will violate them is extremely low.
They also believe that if a child is accustomed to receiving everything on demand, then he is capable of stealing if refused. However, here everything also depends on upbringing and the atmosphere in the family.

Remember that almost all child behavior problems originate in your family relationships. If a child is given attention, he can always trust his parents, and an atmosphere of emotional well-being reigns in his family; he is unlikely to commit an offense or follow the lead of authority. Then he has no stronger authority than his dad or mom.

Please note that a 10-year-old child does not yet know the value of things at all. Therefore, it is worth remembering this. Sometimes a child takes something without asking, for example, chewing gum from your pocket, your shirt (and accidentally ruins it). You consider this not a misdemeanor (chewing gum) or an annoying misunderstanding (shirt) and do not punish him, do not say anything, at best you brush it off, and there is no educational moment at all. And then the child takes your tablet without asking, takes it outside and accidentally breaks it. This is where sincere indignation and educational measures begin. “How dare you take someone else’s property without asking! You haven't earned it yet! You just stole the thing and ruined it!” - these are the words that you believe you are rightly expressing to him. And the roots of such a “crime” are there, in those moments when you frivolously turned away from the fact that he was “checking” your pockets and putting on your clothes without asking. For him, the value of a tablet is not clear, and he does not understand the difference between a laptop and a shirt, a mother’s bag for 30 thousand rubles and lipstick. Give your child at least some pocket money so that he can buy something himself. The point here is not to prevent theft, but to make him begin to understand the value of the things he is purchasing.

Bad Company

Many teenagers begin to steal and commit other similar offenses in the company of friends, without whom they would not even think about such actions. If your child steals in front of friends, you should discuss this problem with him. You might consider stopping your child from hanging out with these friends, but you need to be realistic—this strategy usually has the opposite effect and makes these friends even more attractive to your teen. Instead, you should work with your child on the ability to refuse. Teach him to say, "You can do what you want, but I don't want any more trouble, so I'll wait outside."

Golden mean

When it comes to your child and material goods, try to find a middle ground. Understand that things like clothing and technology are very important to a teenager because they act as a way of demonstrating both individuality and membership in a particular group that is important to him. Don't give your teen everything he asks for, as this can make him feel entitled and lack respect for the property of others. Instead, allow your teen to earn the material goods of their choice through long periods of good behavior, or you can help them find a way to earn money on their own.

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